The Real Reason Why
by Tiptah52
Summary: Just a parody on Balin's "oakenshield" story. Very old writing. Please be merciful. based of of the movie. DO NOT OWN ANYTHING!


"Our little secret Myrtle. Mustn't tell anyone so hush up." Bilbo fed the pony an apple from his pocket and stroked it affectionately.  
A sudden screech tore the air apart, startling the hobbit.  
"What was that?!" Bilbo cried in a panicked tone.  
"Orcs."  
Bilbo looked over at Fili and Kili by the fire, in alarm.  
"Orcs?"  
"Aye that'll be a whole pack of em." Kili put in. Fili nodded seriously.  
"Lots of noise lots of..." Kili got a wicked look on his face and directed his gaze on Thorin, "...Stuffing."  
"Stuffing?" Bilbo confusedly echoed.  
"You think that is a joke? You think orcs murdering helpless beings is a joke?" Thorin walked over, startling his nephews. Bilbo noted that when Thorin said orcs, he looked at the pair venomously.  
"We didn't mean anything by it uncle." Kili said looking at the dirt.  
"Honestly." Fili put in.  
"Of course you didn't. You know nothing of what you did. You know nothing of the pain you have caused me. Because of you... he's" Thorin's words were barely audible as he uttered emotionally, "...he's gone."  
With that he went to stand by the ponies and collect himself.  
"It's all right laddies, Thorin has more reason than most to hate you- er ahem... orcs." Balin said sitting next to the two. Bilbo sat down knowing that this was going to be another one of those stories.  
Balin cleared his throat and began:  
*words in stars are where Balin is narrarating.*

*we were far outnumbered and the strength of our men was failing fast.*

"Balin Get behind the table quick their launching potatoes again!" Thorin cried dodging back behind the table again, as a rock hard potato smashed against the table where his head just was. It was one of those babysitting nights.  
Balin leapt beside Thorin just as an onslaught of potatoes started hitting the table.  
"I'm too old for this." Balin panted wiping potato gore from his face.

All of the sudden the noise stopped. It was dead quiet.  
"The calm before the storm?" Balin joked.  
"Maybe." Thorin said grimly, "I'm going to take a look."  
*with our hopes dwindling and the enemy winning, what more could the two evil brothers do? I'll tell you what they did. To celebrate their victory, the two grabbed the only thing that could stop us. They started by beheading Thorin's age old teddy bear, his one and only prized possession of his childhood.*  
"NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!" Thorin cried out in horror as the two threw the head of Mr. Pergy at his feet, stuffing flying in the air.  
*Then I saw him the young dwarf prince, alone facing down the double demonic monstrosity.*  
Thorin charged the two furiously, "HOW DID YOU GET MR. PERGY?!"  
The two just laughed wickedly and Kili who was on top of Fili poked Thorin in the eye, leaving him temporarily blinded. Thorin fell to his knees cradling his eye. Then Fili kicked him in the chin and sent him sprawling by the fire place.  
*The two charged the defenseless Thorin preparing to deal him a harsh blow. Thorin in desperation picked up the nearest thing he could to defend himself.*  
Thorin desperately caught up an oaken branch that was in the fire wood pile. The fire pokers the two were wielding bounced off his shield harmlessly.  
"Ha, ha!" Thorin stood up still blocking the Boy's blows. He grabbed a fire poker and disarmed Kili, with a whack on the hand and then Fili with an expert twist of the wrist.  
Then he caught the two by the ears and lifted the squealing boys up.  
"To bed with you two." Thorin said marching up stairs to the crib/cage he and Balin had prepared earlier.  
*But there was no feasting that night for the mess was too great a task for a break.*  
"I guess that means your now Thorin Oakenshield." Balin Laughed thumping Thorin on the back.  
"Yeah, kinda like with me and Azog, huh?" Thorin said triumphantly watching the writhing pair in the crib naw at the bars.  
The two went downs stairs and surveyed the mess.  
"I'll order some pizza." Thorin said, going to the phone.  
* But then I saw him, the young dwarf prince. And I said to myself, there is one I could follow, there is one I could call king.*  
"What are you tearing up about?" Thorin asked Balin after he tipped the pizza delivery dwarf.  
"Nothing, nothing." Balin said wiping his eye.  
Thorin up righted the table they used as a shield and set the pizza down.  
"We have a long night ahead of us."

THE END!


End file.
